Usually, being an asshole does not help you

On the surface, this seems obvious. But if you take some time to think about it, it gets more complicated. There are many levels to being an asshole. Some are very obvious and easy to spot. Others aren’t so obvious. Why? Well, sometimes the difference between being assertive and being and asshole is subtle (or in the eye of the beholder). As you move through life and try to get things done, you may make enemies. Sometimes, it’s a zero sum game and there is no way around it. Indeed, if you have no enemies it may indicate that you’re not pushing hard enough (or placating people at your own expense).

Having said that, some people seem to make enemies with remarkable ease and for no clearly identifiable strategic reason. There is a cluelessness to these people that is mind boggling. Often, they don’t even realize what assholes they are, and how significantly they are sabotaging themselves with their approach.

And don’t think this is just people who take obvious aggressive action or engage in catty, two-faced behavior. Some of the worst offenders are the people with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). NPD people are often very nice (and charismatic too). But their awareness of others is so poor that they constantly alienate people, because all they can see are their own selfish concerns. Consequently, they can’t see how sometimes the best way to move their own ball forward is to show more concern for the needs and feelings of others.

Over the long haul, this lack of empathy undermines the NPD person, because they don’t sustain relationships with others very well. And after a while, they’ve burned through so many people that they lack the infrastructure necessary to pursue their musical projects effectively.

Bottom line: You’d be surprised how much can be accomplished by telling people thank you and letting them know you appreciate their support. And that doesn’t just mean people who you perceive to be important. That means everybody you come in contact with. Why? Well, first and foremost, it’s common courtesy. But also at a more practical level, things often aren’t as they seem. Your sense of who is important may be way off. So why take the risk?

Instead, get into that habit of following up and thanking people, not just at the point of impact (but also after the fact with a note, a call or an e-mail message). It really doesn’t take that long to do it, especially once you make it a habit. And while the dividends may not be obvious immediately, over the long haul things add up.

Perhaps the following discussion seems like so much common sense, more like “Life 101” than something that belongs in a discussion about the music industry. But I’ve seen numerous talented people fall down here and undermine themselves. They just never seem to “get it.” And then they end up bitter, never quite understanding why things have not worked out for them.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that there aren’t people who succeed without paying attention to common courtesy. But most of us aren’t that brilliant or charismatic. And as the many episodes of “Behind the Music” underscore, even the folks who succeed this way often pay for their hubris down the line. So it’s worth thinking about these issues and how you want to conduct yourself. For in the end, your public image begins with you. And even if you decide that the public image of “asshole” makes career sense, that doesn’t mean you can’t choose to not be an asshole in your private business and personal dealings.